Feeling Lost at 40? There’s a Reasonable Explanation

It’s more common than you think

After 40 years of experience on this planet, we expect to have things more or less worked out. Our 20s and 30s were about experimenting, building, developing, and now we should be sailing along, before our 50s or 60s start slowing us down. Right? Wrong.

Many of the women I’ve met through self-leadership coaching have had one thing in common — in or around 40, they feel that they don’t know where they’re going, or at least they can’t embrace it. They’ve described themselves as not having any direction, needing more balance and self-knowledge, lost, spiralling and stuck. Some are craving change, but can’t identify what that should be. Others have experienced unwanted change and now don’t recognise themselves in this unfamiliar territory. The feeling of no longer knowing what you want, what to do about it, and why, is disconcerting at least, and terrifying at times. Yet it’s not so hard to understand.

The 20s and 30s

In our 20s, we are carried along by our studies or budding careers, and exploring our new freedom. The world is our oyster. We’re pulled along by the magnetic force of young adult life.

In our 30s, we are developing those careers or advancing our studies further or focusing on relationships and family. In any case, we are usually continuing on or developing a trajectory that was already well laid out in our 20s.

The 40s

So we expect it to be plain-sailing in our 40s — roots down, career and family in hand. But what we don’t account for is how all those experiences have shaped us along the way — and the effects of that. We might have reached a certain stage in our career — and it may have taught us that we need more balance in our life. But having focused on career for so long — achieving that balance is alien to us.

We may have focused on family — and now we feel the need to give attention to ourselves. Raising children has shifted our experience, priorities, and bodies, yet we don’t know how to express that, never mind claim it.

Our 20s and 30s are largely driven by the dreams and plans of our younger selves, plus the expectations of family and society. Whereas it’s really only as we approach our forties that we start to think about the next 20 years and how we want them to go. As we look back at the previous 20 years we realise that we may not want to continue in the same way. Unexpected events might also influence our future outlook and our personal identity — health issues, death, divorce, financial issues, pandemics!

The problem is, what we’ve done for the past 20 years is all we’re used to, maybe all we know. The idea of making or adjusting to major life changes at 40+ can be daunting. We no longer feel like the young, free, energetic, enthusiastic risk-takers we were at 23. We’re suddenly more mature, more mortal, 10 years away from 50, and we feel like we’ve less time, energy and freedom for change. Where do we go from here — and how will we know it’s right? What do we even want?

The forgotten ‘self’

There is also often a difficulty in articulating these questions and answers that comes from not having practised it enough up until now. Over the years, we’ve adopted roles — mother, daughter, wife, boss. In those roles, we live up to the expectations and satisfy the needs of those depending on us or observing us. We have forgotten that among them, there is also a self. That self has been autopiloting while performing these roles as a priority, to the point that she no longer knows nor can express what she wants. And even if she can, she defaults to worrying about how it will affect those around her. They’re not used to us expressing the needs of ourselves instead of performing our roles.

Our responsibility at 40

But we have a responsibility at 40 — at all ages — to communicate honestly and clearly to ourselves and others. It is our responsibility to make ourselves understood. That doesn’t imply acceptance from others, but our message should be clear. Before we can expect others to understand what we want and need — we need to get very clear on it ourselves. And that might take some work. It’s amazing how many years we can drift through life not tuned into our beliefs, our rights, our values, needs and desires. We have adopted many over the years — from family, friends, workplace, religion — but they may no longer serve us or resonate with us at 40. And we’ll only know that if we make an effort to examine them.

The you at 40 may be feeling stuck because she is still operating under beliefs, values or desires of you at 25. You’re stuck because you know it doesn’t feel right anymore, but you haven’t yet explored what would feel right. That’s the work.

Tools to help

There are several coaching tools out there that can get you started on knowing yourself at 40 — and you can even do them on your own. I recommend revisiting them every year or two. We are constantly evolving creatures and these elements of ourselves evolve too. What is important is that we recognise and embrace them in order to live authentically. Think of people you know who have turned to (or away from) vegetarianism, letting their hair go grey naturally, stopping drinking, or following or unfollowing a religion. All those decisions have involved an examination of self, and an acknowledgment of the desire for change, followed by action to make the change.

The insightful exercise to practise once a year

Here’s one exercise I use with my clients to get them thinking about who they are today and why.

Below are 25 areas where we may have certain beliefs or convictions. Using them as a guide, think about your own convictions and come up with at least 10. You may not have them for every category or they may inspire thought about other areas not noted here — that is fine and all part of the discovery.

Family / Friends / Work / Society / Wealth / World issues / Education

Privacy / Law / Poverty / Crime / Human life / Death / Race / Personal space

Age / Travel / Religion / War / Life after death / Gender / War / Freedom

Health / Life beyond planet Earth

Write down those beliefs. For example:

I believe that the death penalty should/should not be abolished.

I believe that organised religion is right/wrong.

I believe education should/should not be free for all.

I (don’t) believe in life beyond planet Earth.

Now ask yourself the following questions for each one:

• How long have I held this conviction?
• Where did it come from?
• Does it (still) serve me?
• How willing would I be to defend it, if challenged?
• How would I defend it ? (Write the words you would use. Use a dictionary or thesaurus if you need to.)
• Are there any I’d like to add, remove, change?

Write down your updated beliefs.

• What do these beliefs mean for my life now?
• What small step can I take now related to these beliefs?

You might want to revisit the exercise a few hours or days after first doing it. You’d be surprised how many people have never really given certain areas conscious consideration, but realise that they actually have unidentified, deeply held beliefs about them. Remember that there is no right or wrong here — these are purely personal. If you have a coach or a non-judgemental friend to discuss your findings with, even better. If not, a journal is always a great option to process your thoughts.

Well done. You’ve just peeled back a layer on your self-knowledge journey.

This, or a similar tool, could be the first step on your journey to finding yourself again at 40. Expressing yourself honestly and fully is step two. They may not be easy steps to take, but getting to know yourself better at any age is always worthwhile. And from there you can get unlost, unstuck and start implementing that change, satisfying those desires and moving in the right (new) direction.

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Siobhán Gallagher is a coach, educator and writer focused on the intersection between self-leadership, communication and wellbeing. Join her mailing list or book a discovery call to learn more. Connect at siobhangallagher.co, LinkedIn and Instagram.

Photo credit: dmytro_R /Pixabay